Confessions of a Doctor
by 13 o'clock Erik
Summary: The once in a long lifetime I found someone I love, I lose her forever….


Confessions of a Doctor

M

Angst/Romance

Rose/9 Rose/10 pairing

10/Martha(friendship)

Summary: The once in a long lifetime I found someone I love, I lose her forever….

I don't really lead a quiet existence. Not normally. It's not as if jumping through time and space and everything else isn't a little… off the wall. It's just that when Rose came into my life… From the moment I grabbed her hand in the basement of a second rate department store, my life was turned upside-down. To go on fantastic adventures seemed that much more exciting with her around. I saw the universe through her eyes.

On earth they might have said she was common; with her low slung jeans that showed a hint of whatever frilly and delightfully feminine undergarments she might be wearing, her streaked blonde hair, and her lovely tight-fitting t-shirts. To me she was _quite_ uncommon. She was one of the most unique people I'd ever met, and believe me; I've met a lot of... _beings_, shall we way?

Rose is one of those wonderful people who tries to look for the good in everything. Blimey, she even tried to see the good in a bloody _Dalek_! She looks for the good in me all the time. We used to cut a good figure together. We'd go back in time and just sit somewhere watching the people. I promise you, there is no greater feeling than that of someone you love huddled up against you as you look up at the stars. Before I changed for the tenth time, we had fallen into a lovely pattern that I was quite comfortable with. We started with a lovely adventure to wherever she wanted to go, dinner in the TARDIS, a cuddle on an improvised couch while we watched whatever the TARDIS thought we should watch, then off to bed for the both of us. It was a very domestic arrangement, but perhaps that was just what I needed; domestication. Like a cat, you know.

Then everything changed. I hate it when things change. However, when you're around for nine hundred years, you have to get used to it. Everything changed, starting with me.

"My head… it hurts." she said.

The way she said it instantly made me want to take away her pain. To take away everything bad and never let her hurt again.

"I think you need a Doctor." a little bit of humour always seemed to help.

I pulled her to me and kissed her. I kissed her like I had been dreaming of since I had first met her. It was sad that she probably wouldn't remember it, what with all the power running through her body. I really wished she had just stayed safely on earth where I knew nothing could harm her. I kissed her like I thought she would remember, like I thought this wasn't the end of something, like afterwards we might go off and have a nice long shag to relax us after this harrowing ordeal. Not at all like this body was going to spontaneously die and I'd reappear in a body that was completely foreign to her. I'd had this particular body long enough for it to acquire its share of scars and dents. Rose, of course, had learned them all. All the one's she could _see_ of course. Oh, and those ones on my chest that she had taken it upon herself to feel out whilst I was semi-conscious. At the time it made me slightly giddy to have had her hands under my shirt, gently feeling tracing raised scars with her slender forefinger…

I've gone off a bit… I was kissing her, transferring all of that fatal energy from her body to mine. _Just keep Rose safe_. I released the energy back into the TARDIS. Rose lay unconscious on the floor where I had lowered her a moment before. I picked her up and carried her into the ship that masqueraded as a Police Phone Box.

It nearly broke my heart when she woke up and didn't remember anything. It _did_ break my heart when the change started happening and there was no time or way for me to explain what was about to happen. Hell, even I didn't understand what and why this was happening. I didn't _want_ to change my face. I wanted to stay the way I was. I liked that body. It was comfortable and just felt right! It's not fair!

All my cells were dying. My body exploded with pain and with light. And so with a scream of pain and rage, I changed. I changed into a six-foot tall geek with large and alarming hair. And then there were sideburns, weird teeth, and a mole in the middle of my back. At first Rose didn't take to it. Not at all. She got scared then angry then hurt and depressed. I explained the situation to her as best as I could in my state. She reached out a trembling hand to touch my face, to see if I was real. To see if I were merely a practical joke. I wish to the heavens it _had_ been a joke. It would have made life so much easier.

Then I failed her again. The change made me weak and useless. It made me ill. So ill I could not stand, much less defend her and the rest of the big dumb apes plodding about on planet earth. So sick I promptly passed out on Rose's mum and that git of a boyfriend, Mickey. The next time I was conscious I was in strange pyjamas and lying in a warm bed.

All I wanted was to grab Rose and never let her go; but I was too weak. Both in body and in soul. I was too weak to admit that I could and wanted to fight for her. I could make it work. Somehow I could find a way to break free from the shackles of my Time Lord body. The _real_ Doctor wouldn't have let her flounder around by herself.

When I was finally strong enough to fight for her, I found I was losing her again. I was losing her to her mother and Mickey. To the safety of her own planet. Well, not that a malignant alien invasion counts as _safe_. But she would be a lot safer than travelling with me. We won that day. We beat them back and the world was safe a little longer.

After that everything seemed fine. There was a moment of awkwardness as we stood outside in the falling ash of a space ship. Then I reached out and she took my hand and everything was ok. For a while.

And then we lost each other. After having her body taken over by Cassandra, battling a werewolf, going back in time to 1700's France, having her face stolen by a being of pure energy, struggling against the Devil, and running from Cybermen; I lost her. She fought by my side and together we got rid of the Daleks. It seemed impossible that after being through all that, we would be separated by a little thing like a dimensional tear…

Her father appeared and then in a blink she was gone. The tear finally closed and I dropped back to the ground. It was one of the few times in my very long life I've ever felt completely broken. I lay there for a moment, just contemplating what I had just lost. I walked to the wall and pressed my cheek against it, as if I could get through to her just by hoping…

And then I had two minutes to say goodbye. Two of the most painful minutes of my life. To be so close to her. To see her and not be able to touch her or kiss her. I had to tell her we couldn't ever see each other again.

"I love you." she said with a sob.

But I was too slow. I spent too much time mucking about. I didn't get to tell her.

"Rose Tyler-"

And suddenly the connection was gone and I was alone on the TARDIS. I nearly screamed in frustration. Tears trickled down my cheeks. She was really gone now and I hadn't gotten to tell her I loved her. I do, you know. I love Rose. More than anything in this strange and vast Universe. I've had Companions and Love Affairs. But never have I been In Love with my Companion. Everything I loved was gone…

&$&

I just discovered the wonderfulness that is Dr Who a few weeks ago. I love the whole Rose/Doctor thing. I think it's a great pairing. Now, if only I could find my own Rose… :: sighs, takes off spectacles and cleans them with shirt ::

I'd appreciate reviews, but if you don't wanna I can't make you.


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